Charlie and his buddy Ashley walked out of the classroom upset. 

“What the heck was that?” she said.

Charlie looked at his compatriots, “No, guys, this is actually awesome!”

“How so?”

“Let’s get the professor to clarify. But I have a wicked idea for this...”

They walked back in after the rest of the class cleared out. 


A bespectacled old man turned around from the chalkboard. “Yes?”

“Can you clarify something about the assignment?” Duke asked.

“Go out and find a new way of life and document it. What’s the question?”

“I need a bit of help with this. I can’t get into the mindset.” said Ashley.

“Well, this should help open your minds.” said the professor, holding a joint.

And so the two walked out of the school feeling way lighter, and big smiles on their face. They were headed downtown!

Downtown was a wet, loose and wild place. If there was a new way of life to be found, it was here amongst the riff raff.

“Should we observe the working class?” Asked Duke.

“No, fuck that, lets find some fishy homless people. We don’t have time to talk to the working class.” Said Charlie.

So the very fly and high students went around to various homeless vagrants, getting in their face and poking them with sticks. 

Sticks, sticks the glorious, wonderous sticks, every time I picked one up to poke the various homeless vagrants, I couldn’t, and kept it in my hand, my stick; I thought, all mine… Charlie kept shaking his fist at me! 

My stick ! He took it a through it away. 

“Noooooo!” I screamed out loud. 

“ Not the stick!”

The sound of the yelling reberbatated through the streets of Gearford and fell unfortunately upon the ears of one Tulio Basit. He exited his room, down the hall, and to the Balony seeing the students below bellowing about a stick. 

“A STICK? What in Skret’s name are they going on about a stick!?!”

It was all perplexing and for the man of wealth and taste to see the uproar over a common item. It was too much for him. He HAD to know why and promptly moved to see first hand. 

The students explained the stick predicament, and Basit found it truly a tedious anecdote.  The entire situation was chaos. Basit was a man of structure - of rules. Screw this bullshit assignment. Basit came up with a plan that would send these students on a marvelous adventure!

By the time Ashley and Charlie returned to their teacher, it was far past their bedtime. However, they were amazed to find that their professor was just a straw puppet, and the strings led into the rafters.

    “Have you got my sticks?” asked Tulio Basit.

    “TULIO BASIT?” cried the two students.

    “Yes, I was your professor the WHOLE TIME!” cackled Basit, and he laughed with glee.

    “But your plan, was it all for nothing?”

    “It got you out of Gearford for long enough, didn’t it?” said Tulio, “And now I am the headmaster! Now, all the little young ones will have to learn directly from me. Now the future is truly MINE! MINE I SAY!”

    The two students looked to each other. They knew what they had to do.

Ashley cried out in relief. "I am so happy you are our new headmaster!" Her eyes filled with joyous emotional tears. Charlie was a bit confused, but he nodded robotically in agreement. "We have to throw the greatest party for our glorious new headmaster!" He suggested enthusiastically. 

The students grabbed Tulip by the jacket sleeves and pulled him into the hallway to prepare the festivities.

Then, in his pocket he felt something moist. He put his fingers deep down into his pocket, until he felt a warm, pastry thing. Then he remembered his chocolate bar, lodged deep in his warm meaty pocket.”SHIT!” he yelled. He pulled out his hand, covered in the brown nutty stuff. Ashley looked at his head and yelled “ITS REAL SHIT!”. “Yup…. thats shit” said a random man on the road. The sun set behind them in a fiery blaze. Shit was everywhere.

It’s all over now, Tulip thought to himself. All his plans and dreams, smeared like melted chocolate nougat. Who would ever respect such a dirty headmaster?

He only knew one thing, he had to get clean. He had to free himself of his students. He needed to clean the shit off his hands and…”Oh my God It’s in my Beard,” cried Tulip.

He ran outside and found the garden hose.  He started taking off all his clothes. The students looked in amazement out the window at the now naked Tulip. Then at the last minute Tulip stopped. He stood there naked and horrified. What happened? Tulip realized that he had ablutophobia. He had an irrational fear of bathing and washing. It was then that Tulip saw the marching band come over the hill, and he naked and covered with shit. 

“Oh for gods’ sake, Tulip,” shouted the band leader, clearly irritated by the naked man blocking their path. “Get out of our way!”

Tulip, overcoming his fear, turned the hose on himself. The water cascaded off of his body and sprayed onto the horrified spectators. Then, grinning proudly at his accomplishment, he threw his naked body on a nearby steambike and rode into the distance. Most of the crowd stood slack jawed, unable to fully comprehend what they had just witnessed.